Green Lantern

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Written by Stephanie | Rated: 2 Stars - Tons O'Beef, Action, Superhero | Posted on 16-10-2011

Every superhero needs his (or hers, but mainly his… Ladies just don’t really cut it in the world of the superpower) origins story, and they’re hard to pull off successfully. For everySuperman there’s a Daredevil, and the beats of the story can feel rather route if not performed with panache. Sadly, Green Lantern‘s panache cup does not runneth over.

We open with a rather boring and silly opening monologue about a race of immortals who years ago harnessed the most powerful force in existence, “the emerald energy of willpower”. Erm, really? REALLY? The most powerful force in existence? My efforts in giving up smoking disprove that right off the bat. At least it isn’t love this time though, I adoreDoctor Who, but even he can’t get away with using bloody love as a weapon in my eyes (as recently happened, oh dear, oh dear). Anyway, I don’t think superhero movies need to have a sensible core idea, in fact, I think they work better if they don’t sometimes (seeThor, which was silly and rather wonderful). Only if they have a decent sense of humour about themselves though, the sense of humour is vital… Without it you end up with daft and pompous, not a good mixture (unless you’re talking about the original Clash of the Titans. Frankly, if you’ve managed to cast Laurence Olivier and Maggie Smith, you can do whatever you want).

Anyway, once we’re past all the opening guff (which I admit, I kind of stopped listening to after the whole green willpower thing), we’re introduced to our star, Ryan “sexy hamster face” Reynolds. He’s playing a bit of a cad here, we know this because he wakes up with a sexy lady in his bed, leaves her there and then wraps a birthday present in newspaper, while driving his car. Note that he did BUY a birthday present (and for a cute kid, no less) though, so he is, at heart, not really a cad…  just a bit of a maverick. OBVIOUSLY. We even get a Top Gun style flying session, in which sexy hamster pulls a ‘crazy’ move, just to drive the point home. We also meet our sexy hamsters love interest, Blake “sexy plank of wood’ Lively. Seriously, I don’t know WHO she boffed to get the part (EDIT – Just had a look t’internet, there is talk of Harvey Weinstein. Google image search him. Ick.). She’s pretty and her body is BANGING, but girl cannot act. It’s all a bit like that awesome bit in The Craft(Light as a Feather… Stiff as a Board).

So the stage is set for our sexy hamster to discover, or be discovered by, his new power. Herein lies one of my issues with the film. He is simply chosen, apparently just because he is a maverick. It all feels decidedly empty, there’s no inner torment here, just a man with a sexy body, given a green suit… and I don’t really understand why he initially accepts this fate so readily (perhaps because I am not a maverick, and therefore the whole thing is a bit of a mystery to me?!). I don’t understand why he is chosen either, which I will come back to shortly. Once it gets to it, sexy hamster does ROCK his suit… his body is quite as banging as the sexy plank of wood by his side. However, that little green eye mask was never going to fool anyone. Unlike Superman, who is generally played by generic square jawed types, sexy hamsters widdle puffy cheeks and his teeny weeny rodent mouth really requires a full face mask to mask his identity. That would also have saved the numerous weird disembodied head wonky VFX shots. He still looks fit though, don’t get me wrong, I like his little bitey mouth. Sexy hamster is really the only one who gets to look good in anything other than earth clothes in this one though. I only recognised Mark Strong from a distinctive mouth movement of his… and WHAT HAVE THEY DONE to Peter Sarsgaard (who I usually have a wee dirty girl crush on)?! Although (SPOILER! SPOILER!) frankly it’s doesn’t get any better as the film goes on. Needless to say, if you’re gonna pick up some alien powers, go green, not yellow… It’ll make you prettier.